Relationships
Relationships are complex. A healthy one can greatly enhance two people's lives, while an unhealthy one can make everybody's life pretty miserable. Couples counseling or marriage counseling (including premarital counseling) can be very helpful for couples who feel their relationship is experiencing conflict and/or distance, is being bombarded by feelings of anxiety, fear, sadness, insecurity and anger, and that communication has broken down and they don't have the tools to fix it. Couples counseling, especially premarital counseling, can also be very helpful for couples who want to strengthen their relationship and build a stronger connection.
A large majority of us simply don't know how to be in a healthy relationship, primarily because we have unrealistic, idealistic concepts of intimate relationships acquired largely from the entertainment industry. Many of us spend far too much time trying to find a significant other who we believe will complete us and make us whole, rather than seeking a partner to complement us. We often forget - or maybe we never knew - that relationships are supposed to be a partnership, not a takeover - they call for negotiation, not dictatorship - they require blending and flexibility, not dominance, suffocation or rigidity - and their primary purpose is not to ease our loneliness.
Communication breakdown is a critical factor in relationship distress. A successful relationship should satisfy and support the emotional needs of both partners. It usually occurs when partners are able to communicate effectively, and compromise with each other. To second-guess your partner or assume that your mind can be read, sets up unrealistic and unfair expectations of your partner. Feeling that you have no real voice in your relationship leaves no room for discussion, negotiation or compromise.
Infidelity is another frequent issue with couples experiencing problems. In addition to the "normal" physical affair we may think of when we hear the word affair, there is just as much - if not more - danger from other types of affairs that are increasingly more common. One type, an emotional affair, occurs when one member of a relationship consistently turns to someone else for their core, primary emotional support. Emotional affairs often develop slowly, even innocently, as a friendship with a co-worker or friend. Initially there may not be a romantic or sexual attraction. But when the primary relationship is experiencing conflict and/or distance, and one member of the relationship pulls away from their partner and consistently turns to their "friend" for companionship, support and sharing of deep personal material, an emotional affair has begun.
Some emotional affairs occur online - with someone who has never actually been met in person. Since chat rooms and meeting places for cybersex don't heat up until late at night, the partner who is engaged in these activities tends to stay up later and later to be part of the action, or may leap out of bed an hour or two earlier and bolt to the computer for a pre-work e-mail exchange with the new romantic partner. The computer may be moved from a highly visible location to a secluded corner or to a locked room, the partner may change the password, or cloak their online activities in secrecy. When a partner displays the behaviors indicated above and starts to also show a lesser interest in sex, it may be an indicator that the online relationship may have evolved into a cybersexual affair, which can range from phone sex and mutual masturbation, to an actual rendezvous. When questioned about these changes in behavior, or disturbed or interrupted when online, the cheating partner may react with anger, defensiveness, heated denials, blaming or rationalization.
All of us experience ups and downs in relationships. Unfortunately, most people wait until its too late and their problems have escalated. If your relationship is in trouble, seek help as soon as possible. Stop the damage now and find a path to harmony. With a little professional help, many distressed relationships can make dramatic turnarounds - hopefully yours will be one of them.